A message came up last week that made me stop and take note. The side scroller on Facebook had a comment I made last year on the day before Rosh Hashana, or the Jewish New Year (In case you did not know, I am Jewish). I wrote "Hope the next year is better than this year". It also happened to be the day I got my big fat negative on a home pregnancy test, followed by the tell tale sign that there is no baby on the way that can not be mistake. My husband and I had not been trying for a child, but we had thought there was a chance I might have been pregnant, and ended up getting rather excited over the prospect. With the negative test I felt all my dreams of having a child disappear, and through that pain we made a decision that is definitely definable as life changing. We decided to actively try to conceive, and here I sit, a year later, watching the beginning of the year 5772 and recalling those feelings of anguish and despair alongside the feelings of elation that the new year brought when we made our decision and received the positive results the following month. I stare at the status telling me of such heartache I felt last year, and part of me wants to laugh. Not because I had no idea what real heartache was, but because I had no idea what joy the next year would truly have in store for me. I can dwell on the hardships that will come in this following year while we discover the full extent of my daughter's syndrome, or I can look forward to a year of enlightenment as she continues to show me how she can adapt to the world around her with her compromised vision. The ending of this year is no different than last, I limit myself to ten minutes of complete sadness every day, as well as hope at looking towards the new year as one of growth. The only thing that seems to have change is my perspective, and the realization of that is itself as life changing as a positive pregnancy test.
No hoping needed. This year is going to be certified bad ass.
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